Its almost like coming back to the half-built set of a movie that was never made

It has been a long while since I wrote, even if this is only for myself still.

I filed bankruptcy early march, and with that put most of the launching stuff into 2016Q4 – I simply can’t get the funding and bank accounts before my bankruptcy is discharged, along with the 180 day rule following the bankruptcy. I want this to be a clean, fresh start.

So I dallied. I had gotten caught up and anxious with filing my bankruptcy, and somewhere in late March we had an internet outage here at the house, and my webserver went pear-shaped and needed to be rebooted. Except, rather than reboot it, I had turned it off. I only barely turned it on this past Saturday.

No new designs were made in that time the webserver was down. Even with the site so unknown and even set in maintenance mode, there is a certain inertia that will keep one going if there is some little thing sitting there in the corner nagging you on, whispering of what could be, telling you to follow the paths you have set, to commit finally to some method of contentment in life, of even happiness in the moments.

This weekend has been odd. I booted the webserver as I thought I’d needed it to switch my email over to Google Apps, but I hadn’t. I left it on as it looked to be running right, and was pleased the next morning to see it had uploaded a backup to dropbox, as per schedule. Everything on it is working as it was – which shouldn’t surprise anyone, it was only turned off and left alone for 2 months.

I have been anxious in some way since I turned it on though. I have dived back into graphics design, into making art, if not for the tee shirts and what-nots I would hope to sell, then at least the images are for myself. I have trouble closing my eyes to sleep without seeing fantastic symbolism, without contemplating some further avenue of subject matter I could depict or how I might execute such a depiction.

I could not say for sure that it was all due to booting the webserver again, but I will say that just having this space for me to think and write has pushed me back onto this little blog.

Maybe someday this will help someone stay on track. If nothing else though, I have my little thing in the corner taunting me with what I have set as goals for myself. It is the machine I built so I could begin construction of the larger machines that will “feed the machine” – which will put me in financial independence and essential retirement.